If you liked me, maybe you would get me one of those singing greeting cards that I could open at the most inappropriate times in the most inappropriate places.
If you adored me, maybe you’d do one better and send a singing telegram to serenade about my wholesome awesomeness at 3 a.m., just to piss off my neighbors.
If we were Besties, you’d install 2 fog horns in my car either to use on the idiot in front of me, or the pervert behind me trying to climb up my tailpipe.
But if you REALLY, REALLY loved me, you’d invent me a Lavon Hayes key chain!
((Psst… for my birthday, I’ll take a Staples button for my desk that says “That was stupid”)) 🙂