Literate May Be A Stretch

Someone or something you can’t communicate with through writing (a baby, a pet, an object) can understand every single word you write today, for one day only. What do you tell them?

Android

ANDROID SMARTPHONE: You are an oxymoron!

Cedar Sunday Phone (Dear Smart Phone):

Awe, did i swipe too fast for you? Well, too bad! Yes, i am that birch that thinks that devices should work the way they were designed to.  I have no fear of machines taking over, because your all too stupid to accomplish that feat!  So, duck you.  Duck you all to help.  You have got to be the worst, rudest piece of shut technology i have ever come across.  You never type what i want to say, in fact you “auto-fill” the last word i could ever possibly mean and make me scroll all of the way to the very end of your suggestions for the one i want, which if you really were so Smart, logic would have demanded you suggest first.  And that’s on a good day, when you suggest the right word at all!

Then, you have the audacity to yell at me.  Telling me that i don’t need to press the space bar between selected words, but when i don’t use it, you don’t putaspacebetweenthewords!  And why does it take 20 minutes to send a text when both my signal and WiFi are at full strength??? Hmm?  Because, you just like passing me the duck off, that’s why!

There have been so many times when you have utterly stopped feeling altogether.  When no matter how softly or forcibly i touch your screen, you completely refuse to respond.  Why the cold shoulder?  It is at these times when you truly are an Android, phone!  Worse, is your timing.  You only seem to do this when my text or call is time sensitive.  But, oh no.  I have to then pry your back off and remove your battery, count to 10, put everything back and wait for the excruciating amount of time it takes you to wake up again.  By then, it’s too late and my contact is upset with me.

Earlier today, i was in the midst of texting a friend and you just shut down.  Rebooted!  Why would you do that to me?  Now my friend thinks that I’m ignoring her – and why, for all that is good and holy, do you NEVER capitalize my i’s!!!??? It drives me absolutely bankers!

Today, is possibly one of your worst days.  I don’t know what issues you’re dealing with, especially when you refuse to allow me to download even the smallest App from the Playstore and don’t have nearly enough photos in the gallery to complain about storage space- yet, every 10 minutes you are shutting yourself down and rebooting.  Is it national PMS (Phone Must Shutdown) day? The problem is that when you do this, you come back 100% Android again.  No response to my touch!

One of these days, phone, I’m going to replace you.  Is that what you want?  I’m going to upgrade to a bigger, better, more sympathetic and intelligent Smart Phone!  And when i do, I’m going to take your cold, lifeless body and my Louisville slugger and beat the holy ducking shut out of you.

Sincerely,

The woman you hate so much all you can do is be a total as jerk to her.

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