Top 10 Things I Learned From Watching Deadpool

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OMG, I’m FREE… for now. Just wrapped up excessive copy editing, so I’m looking forward to getting back to actually writing and Camp NaNo starting on Saturday! To celebrate, I’m going crazy fun with this post – which means, it’s not for kids. In fact, it’s not even for most adults, so here’s that pesky advisory thingy:

Warning: This post is about Deadpool. Take everything you know to be inappropriate and multiply it by the number of pock marks in Wade Wilson’s face.

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Top 10 Things I Learned From Watching Deadpool

#10: Unicorns are sexy. Just look at that phallic shaped growth standing fully erect in the center of their foreheads… Wade couldn’t keep his eyes off it. Wonder if he was thinking about Spidey…? Awwww, the one-sided bromance lives on.

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#9: Despite being trapped for an entire fight sequence in the same machine that rendered Wade Wilson “unf**kable” in a matter of seconds, Vanessa never even gets so much as a zit. Apparently, it only works on men’s skin. Maybe they should moisturize more often?

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#8: Masks that convey facial expressions should be the new industry standard.

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#7: Giant superheroes comprised of indestructible metal with a voice like the Terminator, can, indeed, have their man cards revoked.

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#6: Rigor Mortis is instantaneous when handcuffs are involved.

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#5: You can actually pay for a cab ride with high-five’s, multiple times, as long as you first give the driver the worst relationship advice possible that ends in an accidental fatality. Otherwise, they bill you later.

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#4: Negasonic Teenage Warhead is the absolute number one, record-breaking, top of the charts superhero name EVER invented and the person responsible should be promoted to the top of the Fantastic 4 franchise, because they’re now the only one’s who have the cool-power to possibly redeem what little respectable face Fox studios managed to leave our poor superheros after defiling them with their…Foxfuckidness.

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#3: Best friends can be royal dicks.

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#2: Knowing how to spell is crucial to every punchline.

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#1: “O, Canada!” can be conveniently turned into a swear word when one is in pain, and would simultaneously offend an entire nation, if it hadn’t in fact been issued by a Canadian actor portraying a Canadian character. Nice save, Ryan!

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Ooh, speaking of America vs. Canada – Given all we know about our own stereotypes – you know, how Canadians are super nice and Americans are like that one kid you never want your kids to play with… Why is it that we have someone like Captain America and they get Deadpool? Is this the mysterious balance in the Force Yoda’s always going on about?

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Whew! That was a lot of pent up inappropriateness… guess it’s time to write another Hell on Earth novella! 😀

Not-so-little fineprint: I took these pictures off the internet without any intention of infringing upon anyone’s copyrights, so if you’d like me to take them down just ask and I will do so immediately. Thanks!

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Still Here!

I haven’t dropped off the face of the planet, honest.  I’ve actually been writing! Yay! I’m just horrible about splitting my focus, but I’ll try to get back into the swing of blogging more often soon.

The kids and I spent our weekend decorating for the holidays and catching up on some movies, so without much else to blog about, here’s my brief (no spoilers) review on those films:

Fast & Furious 6

FF6Loved it! Of course, this franchise is now one of the hottest, most popular in the world and I think they’d have a hard time making a bad movie (knock on wood) especially with their all-star cast. Speaking of which, it was a bonus to see Luke Evans getting even more screen time.  I haven’t seen The Raven or Dracula Untold yet, but it seems like ever since I watched The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, I’ve been seeing this awesome actor everywhere!  Of course, I knew him when he was just a lowly God by the name of Zeus in Immortals.

p.s. Adding Jason Statham to this action-packed franchise is like getting a Christmas present in July.  I can’t wait to see FF 7!

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

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I wasn’t prepared.  I remember seeing the previews for this movie when it first came out and thought, that looks good, but we all know my OCD when it comes to new twists on the old tales, so even though I’m drawn to them, I’m always a little leery about watching Fairytale movies. It’s very reminiscent of The Brothers Grimm starring Matt Damon and our beloved, dearly missed Heath Ledger, with it’s attempt to be both a fantasy adventure and a satire, using weapons and other inventions completely unheard of for the historical setting.  But I have to admit, this clip near the beginning of the movie is what caused me to both laugh in surprise and keep watching all of the way through: Warning: This clip includes violence and foul language!

p.s. Is it just me, or is Jeremy Renner the only actor who can maintain on screen presence, while possibly having the least amount of lines in every movie he plays in?

Star Trek: Into Darkness

star-trek-into-darkness-quadIt’s a sequel.  That alone usually makes people wince as they’re pushing play, but I really, really liked this movie!  I think it showed James T. Kirk’s infamous personality remarkably well, and continued the insight into the strange friendship between him and Spock seamlessly.  The only issue I had with this movie was the excessive overplay on how many times McCoy can say “Dammit, I’m a doctor not a ____!”  That got really old, really fast.  The banter between Kirk and Scotty was also a delightful positive, easily adding comic relief and some really surprising drama to the movie.

My favorite: Benedict Cumberbatch!  I just recently started watching the UK’s most popular Sherlock Holmes to date and let’s just say that as an actor, he’s got a vast skill set! It was not a side of Sherlock I was ever expecting.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain-America-The-Winter-Soldier-HD-WallpaperThis movie started great and then got extremely slow compared to the first one.  It wasn’t horrible, but it was a lot like Thor 2; just not as great as the first one.  It tried too hard to cover too many angles at once, I think.  Delving into Steve Roger’s depression for outliving all of his 1930’s friends and love, while touching on modern day Vet’s suffering with PTSD, all while shoving friction between Fury and Rogers in our face without much of a preamble, perhaps in hopes of showcasing how morally sound Rogers’s beliefs and values are(?) when it comes to right and wrong.   I’m not even sure what the purpose of the movie was in the grand scheme of things, other than to introduce even more characters into the ever-growing ensemble of Marvel heroes and villains.

It was nice seeing Robert Redford on screen again, but his role was predictable from the get go.  We got a little more insight into the character of Nick Fury, as well as seeing him in action at last, but I was a little put off by the plot’s multiple routes, especially when you thought they were going somewhere and didn’t. Like the fact that for a minute, we were forced to get involved with a SHIELD agent, played by a well-known actress, and then… nothing.  No hint as to what came of her or why we were supposed to see her at all.

And, of course that famous clip at the end of the credits that these movies are known for only promises more villains and a possible third installment of Captain America to follow.  Yay, I’m so excited. 😐

My final conclusion is: No matter what, you have to watch this movie if you’re into Marvel, because it’s good enough to keep you entertained, has some surprising great parts and may be vital to the storyline as a whole (I hope).  However, Iron Man and the X-Men are still the best Marvel movies for sequels, the rest need to take notes and catch up.  I really hope the new Avengers movie isn’t disappointing, otherwise I may have to start comparing them to the likes of Transformers…just stop making them, already!

p.s. Can someone please fire hair & makeup for making Scarlet Johansson look like a drowned rat with that straight, no-volume hairdo?  This is Natasha Romanov for the love of Pete, show some respect!

Okay, peeps, that concludes my break from writing, now I must get back to work.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!